Scratch That.

Hmm, so what too say. I’ve been with my boyfriend for two weeks now. Things are going well, he treats me right. I already know why we’d end yet I’m choosing to continue with the relationship. I figure I’ve got to give it a proper chance rather than falling at the first hurdle. After all it’s one of the main reasons I usually go a bit nuts, is that I’ve felt I’ve not had a proper chance with someone. Him, a mutual friend and I were all talking, and essentially his music and business come first. I can understand that, but I do like to be important and I know it will get to me no matter how hard I try to ignore it. I know because of my personality it will get to me and will make me feel I’m not worth it, which seems to centre around a lot of things in my life. I’m just not worth that extra step.

Other than that, things are going well. I’ve still not made my mind up how I feel about sleeping with him so early. We’ve done as much sexually as my serious boyfriend waited 10months, and the other waited a month or so. I feel like a fucking whore. I really do. Why have I let myself do this? Am I too weak? Do I just give in so that he’ll like me? I’m afraid if he doesn’t get what he wants, he won’t stick around long enough for me to be ready to give it. But surely if someone didn’t stick around for me to be ready, then they’re not worth it. But no, I view it as though I’m the lower one in all of this.

My most recent ex still doesn’t know about me moving on so soon, barely anyone knows I’m in a relationship. I just don’t feel like sharing with the world anymore. It’s not anyone’s business but mine. I don’t think I should feel the need to update those people on my life.

My Uncle was doing better, he was recovering, now it’s back to the touch and go stage. Joy of joys.

I’m going to Brighton at the weekend again :)

I really can’t think of things to sayyyyy. :)

I stopped writing because the ex didn’t stop reading. I couldn’t deal with him knowing everything that’s going on yet I knew nothing of what he was going through. It’s like it was ok for him to still be in my life but at the same time shut me out of his. I could not cope with that.

So I made the blog private. Therefore I can still blog as I was without having to worry who the heck is reading the words I type. I know who’s reading them. The little fucker still has £50 of mine, claiming he’s put it in my bank. Yeah, right.

Weeeeeeeeeee, let’s see. I was talking to musician guy, we went on a first date on valentines day. haha. Good film, He’s Not That Into You. Funny stuff. Mhm, he bought me flowers too, which now looking at them have died. :( We sat by the river for about an hour and a half and just talked, and kissed. I got so lost in the kiss. I didn’t expect bad, but I didn’t expect quite to feel that way. He’s so lovely. He genuinely seems to care, unlike the ex I was with for a year.

There’s not so much to tell really, we talk a lot, and stuff. And erm, we’ve slept together already.

Feeling quite a bit whoreish about that. Such a fun feeling. We’ll see how this relationship pans out I guess.

Everything away from the interwebs is fine. Apart from my Uncle. He was rushed into emergency surgery on Friday night, fixed up with a colostomy bag. And then again on Monday morning. It’s not looking good. So I’m kinda blank, really. mhm.

For so long I said I couldn’t do it. I had my reasons. I just couldn’t give you what you wanted. But I remember you saying that I’d end up losing you either way, the way things were going. Was it because you cared too much? Like I did the previous year? I don’t know. But I just thought I couldn’t bear losing you, I put all my doubts aside, gave you what you wanted, and I’ve still lost you.

That’s what hurts. Losing you. Not the relationship.

I thought this might be pretty amusing to work out seeing as over the last few days I’ve been thinking how I’ve not had a days rest since August 31st 2005. Yeah, I’m lame enough to know dates that precisely. I’m gonna give them all nicknames =D

Aug 05: Decision between Spoon & Musician. Spoon got in there.
Aug-Nov 05: Ted comes on scene.
Nov 13th: Spoon dumps me.
Nov 14th: Starting dating Ted.
Nov 05-April 07: Only eyes for Ted =]
April-Sep 07: Irish boy crush.
Sep 07: crush on rosebear begins.
Sep 20something: Ted breaks up with me:
[Day before]: I tell rosebear he’ll be my next boyfriend.
Within three days of being dumped Sep 07: “know it all” reappears [dated him in Sep-Dec 04]
Sep 07-Nov 07: Flip between rosebear and “know it all”.
Nov 29th 07: rosebear gives me friend speech.
Nov 07: Start liking opinionated boy. He’s also taken at this stage.
Dec 5th 07: start dating “know it all”
Jan 1st 08: “know it all” and I become official.
Jan 08-May 08: Still like rosebear, but “know it all” and I go on short break.
April 08: Daddy appears [33yrs old, divorced, kid]. Really seems to like me.
May 08: Young Daddy and I meet up. Share a quick peck on the lips [blog exclusive!]…
May-July 08: “know it all” and I are ok. Cheated on me July 08 while I was on holiday. [denies it, but he got an STI]
July 08-Dec 08: With “know it all” technically for most of the time.
Sep 08: I did finish with him, he didn’t disappear.
Sep 08: rosebear got upset I got back with “know it all” =[
Sep 08: Stopped liking opinionated boy about here. He broke up with his girlfriend and pursued other women. Also made it quite clear he thought we wouldn't work.
Oct 08: I meet rosebear for the first time <3 [it was online until this point]
Dec 31st 08: Finally get with rosebear.
Jan 31st 09: rosebear finishes with me.
Feb 1st 09: Daddy appears again asking for a date.
Feb 09: Musician reappears. OH LOOK. BACK AT THE START.

It’s not MANY guys. Just no rest for the wicked =[ It’s quite basic too.

That is how hard it is for me to stay single. It’s like they know when I’m available again. There’s only one guy I really regret losing in that lot. hmm.

I finally got through to the hospital, all is clear in vajayjay land. No thanks to the fucker of an ex =]

Yay for going on to have unprotected sex and not putting someone at risk =]

If only I had got that. I would feel so much better about it all. Not feeling ignored, or unwanted. He’ll barely speak to me, but then I don’t know if that’s me overreacting again. I just wish I knew where I stood. Whether it’s friends, no friends, the close friend I wanted to be. I’m thinking about him less and less and I just feel he’s going to disappear from my life to a point we’ll never be able to retain a friendship. If that’s what he wants from me, so be it. I’d just rather know where he wants to go from here. He can’t give me any answers. He ended it and he’s the one who doesn’t know what he wants. So as usual with guys I’m stuck in a limbo not knowing what the right direction is.

I’ve got another guy interested who has been for about three and a half years. Him and someone else were coming onto me in the same evening. I went for the other guy. No idea why now. But I entertained the idea of me and this guy who’s reappeared. He’s literally not had a chance to do anything since then because I’m always taken and the first chance he’s got — this week, he’s asked me out. Just to see where things go. I asked for a little time because I’m screwed up but that I’d bear it in mind. I genuinely mean that, too. He’s more caring than the ex I finished with and is another “type” of person. I worked out I went out with : animal carer, “know it all”, IT geek, and this one, if it goes ahead is a mucision. Gotta get the experience in ;] Who else should I go for?

I feel really bad about it though. It’s just over a week since he ended it, and the way he’s being with me I guess he still cares. He just hurts too much to talk to me. I don’t know, maybe. Then I’d feel horrible about accepting another date so quickly. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. He already put up with a month of my freaking behaviour and he ended it because I’m messed up, basically. If I wasn’t like this, I think it might have worked better. But then someone else said we weren’t serious and he dumped me, sooo it would be his problem.

I just don’t know what to do =[ Either way one is let down.

Trying to stay single is so hard =[

FTR: hospitals and trying to get results sucks. grr.

I don’t like it =[ I had a dream last night about him that was so full of passion and intimacy. We talked a little and he can’t give me the friendship he wants from me just like that. He said he just can’t flip a switch. So now the ball is in his court, and I just feel like he’ll never even want to know me. Was always gonna be the outcome of me losing him by the looks of it. Maybe if I’d have lost him without being in a relationship with him it wouldn’t hurt so bad. I’ve lost a friend…

Some guy is trying to “get in there”. I tried telling him I’m not interested, just out of a relationship, not up for it. And he’s not backing down. The one I want might not even be a friend much longer. *sigh*

I know I’m clearly not with him anymore, I get that, I’ve even had other blokes try it on but I’m just not interested. They may want me but there’s still only person I want. And now having experienced it I know it’s not going to work right now. It may not work ever. Who knows. I was lying in bed again last night, with the bear he got me. The emotional attachment is just drawing me back to it. I’m just not sure if it’s in my best interests to continue on this path. It’s probably not. I still have this huge emotional attachment to him, but neither of us is really in the others life at the moment. That’s down to my and my actions though. I miss him, I want him, I just want to see him again. I know he can’t be with me, and friends would be difficult. But it took us so long and so much to have that level of a friendship even if it was in a relationship. I really wanted to phone him last night. I was scared he wouldn’t pick up. And I’d probably babble on about shit he wouldn’t want to hear, which might well make him feel guilty. This could well be the better decision out of any we could make. I just miss being that close to him, so much. But I can’t be now, can I? I just don’t know =[ Do I want a friendship I know will be hard? Do I want one and continue to hope for a future relationship? Or do I just get on and cut him out? Which I don’t think I can do.

I still want to be there for him, too. I know he finds it difficult to talk to people, and I’ve destroyed one of those friendships. =[

I also haven’t really thought many sexual thoughts since we broke up. about anyone, but when I look at someone and think “Yeahhhhh” it ends up me thinking of doing things with him. That are never ever gonna happen now….

No-one sees me cry right now, my little sister doesn’t even know that I was in a relationship so crying like that isn’t something I really want to explain to her. It’s over, it’s done now. I want to go back there, he doesn’t. Since we broke up I haven’t looked at the website he made me for Christmas… until last night. Just reading all of those made me realise they don’t apply now, do they? They’re now just words that were once meant by someone who loved me. Now it’s all just letters put together on a screen. I got some comfort from reading words that were once true though. Reminding me of what I’ve just destroyed.

I even slept with the bear he gave me last night, and found myself looking for it throughout the night.

I still can’t decide about our friendship, or what’s left of one. When I talk to him he seems distant, as though he didn’t want to talk. So I feel upset that the communication isn’t the level I’d prefer it to be. But then it hurts that we’re not talking. I know I asked him to go away and leave me alone. But the fact he’s not contacting me in any way possible or just checking I’m ok makes me think that he doesn’t care so much anymore. Surely if someone essentially disappeared [apart from one or two posts on the website and blog posts] you’d call to check they’re ok? Or drop a text? An email? A facebook message? Oh, I don’t know. I’m obviously over-analyzing again. Wanting something I won’t ever get back from the behaviour of the last week. I feel as thought I obviously wasn’t the closest to him, never have, and evidently never will.

I also sent a message to him with the Valentine’s day present I would have got him. Just to find out if he would have liked it or not. No answer to that, which makes me feel it would have been a suckeh present =[ owell.

One of my friends from my secondary school passed away in January, she was 20. She was born with a heart defect, but you’d forget that in time. She was a wonderful girl. Her funeral was yesterday. The invite for the funeral said to wear an item of pink, I did so, but while at work. I would have given my life to prevent hers, as she still wanted one. She fought for one.  No-one knows a friend recently passed away, no-one knows I got dumped, no-one knows what’s really going on in my head. Again. I’m back to where I can’t talk to someone, anyone. I feel like a burden and that no-one wants to listen. And when they do I feel like I’m pathetic and depressing and usually walk away from telling them anymore.

A friend from an old place of work is leaving today, I miss her. =[

… You should be weaker than sending me home.